Don't you ever have that feeling? I have it alot lately. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go, I don't know who to tell. Nobody wants to listen and nobody seems to care. I just don't want to have anything to do with my life anymore and I want to hide away and never come out. And some days you just need to tell somebody, anybody whether they chose to listen or care or not so here goes... Going away for a few days was sure nice, I even forgot to worry about work and the kids for a while. But inevitably you have to come home to the same crap that you left behind. The same crap that pushed you to the point of needing to get away in the first place. This last week has really been too much. Today in particular, I've been home with the kids but I have so much to do around the house. I'm still catching up on laundry and dishes and my house needs to be cleaned but my kids need attention. So neither one is happening, my kids are at each other ("It's MINE" "No, it's MINE", and on and on) and I leave them alone for a few minutes and I return to the living room to find my son covered in crap, the potty covered in crap, and crap in the carpet. And my daughter couldn't be bothered to let me know that he was smearing crap everywhere. Wonderful. And thay are hitting and pushing and screaming and whining. We tried to get out of the house yesterday but we only got a block away before we had to come home because he wouldn't walk and wanted to be carried. So then she threw a fit and I had to drag them both kicking and screaming back to the house. He's 4, I refuse to carry him all around town. So my house is still a mess and there is still a pile of laundry in the hall and the sink is still full of dishes, as usual because no matter how hard I try I can never get caught up. And I am officially overweight. I never would have thought (back when I wore a size 5) that the day would come when I couldn't squeeze into a size 10 any more, but it has (And I won't even get started on the subject of my jobs). But then I feel selfish for feeling sorry for myself, there are people out there without homes and jobs and food and such and in that I find the strength to go on another day.

Actually, what I said was even worse. But you have to understand that in addition to having to get up at 3 in the morning I had also not fallen asleep until at least midnight because I was a)worried about my kids b)sleeping cramped in a twin bed with James who isn't small c) stuffed up with a stupid head cold or d) all of the above. I think I'll go with D. Anyways what I really said was "Hey look at those clouds. They look like little mountains in the sky" and then I realized that they WERE mountains and the story is the same from then on including the .

But much different from when I was a kid. The first thing I noticed was that it sounded wrong. It used to be clinkety-clinkety-clinkety of coins dropping into metal trays below the slot machines. But now everything is computer and it is just not the same. Plus the Strip itself has changed. Hotels are gone, there are new, larger, more crowded ones in their place, etc, etc. Anyways, the story will come later so that I can correct my husband's version, and also defend myself because I know he is going to take great pleasure in picking on me. But I have to say that I think by the second day he started to get into it, by the last day we were so tired it was sad but we did do some cool stuff and spent way too much money but in the end was probably worth it. I learned that I can leave my kids for a week and not die of worry and that they will still be in one piece when I get back. And we got to relax for a few days (no cooking, cleaning, etc.) and forget all the crap that goes on at home and at work. Don't get me wrong, I missed my kids but I really am not ready to go back to work. Oh well, maybe it won't be that bad. We shall see.

But it might as well be. I have been trying to get pictures on here ever since....well, since I started. One thing after another and finally I have overcome the hurdles. First the cd is missing. Then the cable. Then how do I get the pictures into the blog (That was the hardest part. Apparently the digital camera company doesn't want you to retrieve your pictures from their software unless you upgrade it. Sneaky buggers. So you have to be sneaky back.) The pictures are not good ones but until I take some more they are all that I have. Even when I have more I probably couldn't remember what I just did to save my life. Sneaky doesn't come naturally to me, I should have just waited for my husband. Sneaky is his middle name, or at least one of them. Anyways, it's not rocket science but it took me all evening and I have puzzled all I can for one night. My puzzler is sore so I am going to bed. 

That about says it all. Some tall, handsome stud in a suit came to my work today with a couple of red Carnations in a vase. I don't know who he was, (it couldn't have been my husband, could it?). 

Next weekend can't come quick enough. Then school's out for Easter. No more fighting with this kid to get her on the bus. No more fighting with that kid to get him out the door. Just a few days of relative peace and quiet before we ship them off to Grandma's house and head on holidays. I swear if it's not one kid it's the other. They don't gang up too much, usually if one is misbehaving the other has enough sense to behave. Usually. Today it was my daughter. "Mommy can I take my stuffed cat to school? (No I don't want you playing with it in class)I promise I won't play with it." then "Mommy can I bring my skipping rope to school?" then "Mommy can I wear my Barbie sandals to school? (Not until Easter holidays are over because it is still cold and wet) But I promise I won't whine about being cold and I won't go in the puddles" then "Can I bring my umbrella to school?" then finally when the bus shows up "I don't want to go" so she got on the bus crying. I just shrugged at the bus driver and she gave me a little knowing nod but you can't help but feel incredibly small. Anyways in a week and a bit we can put it all behind us for a few days. Just a few days might be all we need to regain some sanity. If not, we're screwed.

That I blogged again, that is. It's been a while and I didn't really feel like it and I have been spending alot of my evenings watching "House" since my husband was so thoughtful to buy season one for me. Anyways, I noticed when I looked in the kitchen cupboard this morning that my son's suckies are still in there. He is 4 and a half and hasn't needed them for like two months (he gave them up very late) and even though he has given them up I can't seem to throw them out. And I think at least once a week that I need to do something about them but they are still there. They were a part of him for so long and to throw them out would mean that I would have to admit that part of his life is gone and he is growing up. Each milestone that he reaches is another stage that is gone for good. A joy in itself but also a reminder that he won't always need me. And I know I am never having any more kids. He has made sure of that. Why is too long a story. I had once thought that the only way I would have another was if something happened to one of the two that I have but I have come to realize that they are each irreplacable in their own way. So getting back to the suckies in the cupboard, maybe I will just hide them away somewhere so they are not a daily reminder but some day down the road I will stumble upon then and smile as I remember times past.